Stoic Series Number 3 of 25.
“Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” — Epictetus
The Dichotomy of Control is one of the most profound principles in Stoic philosophy. It teaches us to understand the division between what is within our control—our thoughts, actions, and attitudes—and what is not—external events, the behavior of others, and outcomes we can’t dictate.
This concept, when mastered, brings a sense of peace and freedom from the anxieties that plague many people. It empowers us to focus only on what we can influence, while letting go of the rest.
In a world full of unpredictability, uncertainty, and change, the Dichotomy of Control remains a powerful guiding principle for those seeking tranquility and resilience.
It helps us manage everything from daily stresses to life’s greatest challenges by giving us clarity on where to direct our energy.
This post will delve deep into the Dichotomy of Control, exploring its importance, benefits, and practical applications in your life.
By mastering this Stoic principle, you can develop emotional resilience, reduce stress, and cultivate a mindset of growth.
What Exactly is the Dichotomy of Control?
The Dichotomy of Control refers to the clear distinction between what we have control over and what we do not. Epictetus, one of the great Stoic philosophers, famously summarized it as:
“Some things are up to us, and some things are not.”
This powerful statement divides life into two categories:
- Things Within Our Control: These include our thoughts, beliefs, desires, actions, reactions, and how we interpret events. Everything that originates from our own mind and actions falls within this realm.
- Things Beyond Our Control: These are external events and circumstances, the actions of others, societal trends, the outcomes of situations, and the inevitable changes that happen in life. No matter how much we wish, we cannot change or control these things.
The Dichotomy of Control teaches us that we should focus our efforts on the things we can control—our responses, our efforts, our mindset—and to accept the rest with grace.
This acceptance does not mean resignation, but rather recognizing that some outcomes are simply beyond our influence, and to waste energy worrying about them is futile.
Why We Struggle With the Dichotomy of Control
Despite the simplicity of this concept, many people struggle to apply it in their daily lives. Why? Because human nature is wired for control.
We have an innate desire to influence the world around us, to feel secure, and to shape outcomes. However, life is unpredictable, and this tension between our desire for control and the reality of uncertainty causes much of our anxiety and frustration.
Here are some reasons why we find it hard to live by the Dichotomy of Control:
1. Fear of Uncertainty
Uncertainty breeds fear. The unknown can be intimidating because it feels like chaos. We prefer to feel that we can plan and predict everything.
However, the Stoic mindset teaches that uncertainty is inevitable, and that peace comes from accepting the unpredictable.
2. Attachment to Outcomes
One of the biggest challenges is becoming too attached to specific outcomes. When we invest time, energy, and emotion into a particular result, we may become overly fixated on ensuring it happens.
This attachment can lead to disappointment, anger, or despair when things don’t go as expected.
3. Ego and the Illusion of Control
Our ego often convinces us that we are in control of more than we really are. We believe that if we work hard enough or manipulate circumstances, we can shape everything to our liking.
This illusion only leads to greater frustration when life doesn’t comply with our desires.
4. Social Expectations
Society tends to reinforce the idea that we should be able to control more than we can. We are encouraged to chase success, influence others, and control our environments.
However, Stoicism teaches that while we should always strive to act virtuously and responsibly, we must release the need to control everything around us.
The Power of Focusing on What You Can Control
The beauty of the Dichotomy of Control lies in the freedom it provides. Once we recognize what is within our power and what is not, we can begin to live with greater peace and purpose. Here are the profound benefits of focusing on what you can control:
1. Emotional Resilience
By learning to focus on what you can control—your thoughts, actions, and interpretations—you naturally develop emotional resilience.
You begin to see that external events do not have the power to disturb you; rather, it is your reaction to them that matters. As the Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius said:
“You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
When you cultivate emotional resilience, you become unshakeable in the face of adversity. Instead of being swept away by external events, you remain calm, grounded, and focused on your own conduct.
2. Enhanced Focus and Productivity
When we stop wasting energy on things we can’t control, we free up mental and emotional space to concentrate on what we can.
This improves our productivity and effectiveness. Whether it’s at work, in personal relationships, or in our pursuits, focusing on what’s within our control allows us to make better decisions and achieve more.
3. Reduced Stress and Anxiety
Anxiety often comes from trying to control the uncontrollable. By practicing the Stoic principle of letting go of what you can’t control, you alleviate the mental burden of constantly worrying about what might happen.
When you learn to accept that some things are beyond your influence, you cultivate a sense of inner peace and reduce the stress associated with uncertainty.
4. Greater Self-Discipline
Living by the Dichotomy of Control requires self-discipline. It means being mindful of your thoughts and actions, choosing to focus on what you can control rather than reacting impulsively to external events. Over time, this self-discipline becomes a habit that strengthens your character and helps you live a more virtuous life.
5. Improved Relationships
Many conflicts in relationships arise from trying to control the other person’s behavior, emotions, or reactions. By applying the Dichotomy of Control to relationships, you shift your focus from trying to change the other person to controlling your own actions and responses. This leads to healthier, more harmonious interactions.
Practical Applications of the Dichotomy of Control
Now that we understand the importance of the Dichotomy of Control, let’s explore how we can apply this powerful principle to daily life.
Incorporating this mindset into your routine can transform the way you navigate challenges, relationships, and personal growth.
1. Mind Your Responses, Not Events
In any given situation, you can’t control what happens, but you can control how you respond. Whether it’s an argument, a work setback, or a personal disappointment, shift your focus from the event to your reaction.
Example:
Imagine you’re stuck in traffic, late for an important meeting. Instead of getting angry and frustrated (which changes nothing about the traffic), use the moment to practice patience and calm. Control your attitude toward the situation, even if you can’t control the traffic.
2. Let Go of the Need for Approval
One of the most liberating aspects of Stoicism is learning to release the need for external validation. You cannot control how others perceive you or whether they approve of your actions. What you can control is the integrity of your own actions and your adherence to your values.
Example:
If you are criticized at work, instead of feeling defeated or defensive, focus on whether the criticism aligns with your own standards of performance. Take what is constructive and discard the rest, without seeking approval from others.
3. Embrace Daily Challenges as Learning Opportunities
Rather than resisting challenges or difficulties, view them as opportunities to practice Stoic principles. Each challenge is a chance to practice patience, perseverance, and resilience.
Example:
If you face an unexpected setback, like a canceled project or financial loss, instead of feeling defeated, ask yourself, “What can I learn from this? How can I grow stronger?” Focus on your ability to adapt and grow, rather than the external circumstances.
4. Reflect Daily on Your Focus
To truly embrace the Dichotomy of Control, take time each day to reflect on where you directed your energy. Did you spend time worrying about things beyond your control, or did you focus on what you could influence? This daily reflection helps reinforce the Stoic mindset and ensures you stay grounded in what matters.
Relationships and the Dichotomy of Control
The Dichotomy of Control doesn’t just apply to personal challenges; it plays a significant role in how we interact with others.
When it comes to relationships, many of us struggle with wanting to change or control other people.
However, Stoicism teaches us to focus on what we can control in relationships—our own actions, words, and responses.
1. You Can’t Control Others’ Reactions
One of the biggest sources of frustration in relationships is trying to control how the other person feels or reacts.
Whether it’s in romantic relationships, friendships, or family dynamics, we often believe that if we act a certain way, the other person will respond as we wish. However, their emotions and actions are beyond our control.
Example:
If your partner is upset, rather than trying to control their feelings or telling them not to feel that way, focus on being empathetic and supportive. You can control your response and how you communicate, but you can’t control their emotions.
2. Focus on Your Contributions
Instead of worrying about what the other person is or isn’t doing, focus on what you are bringing to the relationship. Are you being honest, kind, and respectful? Focusing on your contributions fosters healthier relationships and allows you to let go of expectations.
Example:
If you feel that your friend isn’t as communicative as you’d like, rather than trying to force them to talk more, focus on being a good listener when you do connect. Let go of the need to control the frequency or depth of their communication and instead cultivate your own qualities of patience and openness.
Conclusion: Embrace the Freedom of Letting Go
The Dichotomy of Control is a transformative philosophy that, when practiced consistently, leads to greater peace, resilience, and personal power.
By focusing only on what you can control—your thoughts, actions, and reactions—you free yourself from the unnecessary stress and frustration of trying to change what you cannot influence.
The path to Stoic mastery is not about controlling the world around you; it’s about mastering yourself.
Embrace the freedom that comes with letting go of the need to control external events and focus instead on living virtuously, acting with purpose, and responding with grace.
As Epictetus said:
“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
In every challenge you face, remember the Dichotomy of Control. What is within your power? Focus there, and leave the rest to the flow of life.
This has been blog post number three in our stoic series. Be sure to check out my entire blog series on Why Stoicism is Essential for the Fatherless Man here.
Check out the next post in our Stoicism series How to Practice Amor Fati in Your Life:
Return to my series on Stoicism in your life.
