“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
— Mark Twain

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we can do, especially when it involves someone who has left deep scars in our lives.

For me, forgiving my father was a battle I fought for many years. The anger, the hurt, and the sense of abandonment were all-consuming.

I realized that holding onto that pain was like drinking poison, hoping it would hurt him—it only hurt me.

This is my journey to forgiveness, and I hope that by sharing it, I can help you find peace in your own life.

Step 1: Acknowledge the Pain

The first step in forgiving your father is to acknowledge the pain he caused you. For years, I tried to bury my feelings, convincing myself that I was fine, that I didn’t care.

The truth is, the hurt was there, simmering beneath the surface. I had to confront it, feel it, and accept that it was okay to be hurt.

It’s important to give yourself permission to feel the emotions that come with this kind of pain. Denying them only prolongs the suffering.

Step 2: Understand His Humanity

One of the hardest things for me was to see my father as a human being, with his own flaws, struggles, and mistakes.

I had to come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t the invincible figure I once thought he was.

He was just a man, shaped by his own experiences, traumas, and limitations. Understanding this doesn’t excuse his actions, but it does help to put things into perspective.

It allowed me to see him as more than just the source of my pain.

Step 3: Let Go of Expectations

We often hold onto the idea of what our fathers should have been. I had to let go of the expectation that my father would one day become the dad I always wanted him to be.

That was a hard pill to swallow, but it was necessary. Letting go of these expectations freed me from the constant disappointment and allowed me to accept him for who he was—flaws and all.

Step 4: Set Boundaries

Forgiving doesn’t mean allowing someone to continue to hurt you. It’s crucial to set boundaries with your father, whether that means limiting contact or defining what is acceptable in your relationship.

For me, setting these boundaries was empowering. It was a way to protect myself while still allowing space for forgiveness.

Boundaries don’t mean you love less; they mean you love yourself enough to know what you deserve.

Step 5: Find Compassion

Compassion was a turning point in my journey. I had to find a way to forgive my father not because he deserved it, but because I deserved peace.

Compassion isn’t about condoning what he did; it’s about recognizing that holding onto anger was hurting me more than him.

By finding compassion, I was able to release the grip that anger had on my heart and mind.

Step 6: Focus on Healing Yourself

Forgiveness is as much about healing yourself as it is about releasing the other person from blame. I realized that forgiving my father was a gift I needed to give myself.

It was about taking back control of my emotions and my life. Healing is a process, and it’s okay if it takes time. Focus on your own growth, your own happiness, and your own peace of mind.

Step 7: Release and Move Forward

The final step is to release the pain and move forward. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, but it does mean letting go of the hold that the past has on you.

I had to make a conscious decision every day to not let my father’s actions dictate my future. This is your life, and you deserve to live it free from the shadows of the past.

Moving forward is a testament to your strength and resilience.

Conclusion: A New Beginning

Forgiving my father was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it was also one of the most freeing.

It allowed me to reclaim my power and move forward with my life. If you’re struggling to forgive your father, know that you’re not alone.

It’s a difficult journey, but it’s one worth taking. Forgiveness is not about them—it’s about you. It’s about finding peace, healing, and the strength to move forward.

Take it one step at a time, and remember, you deserve the freedom that forgiveness brings.

Let me know your thoughts. I would love to know what techniques you have used on How to forgive your father. This is a community and we can always learn from one another. Comment below

Take The Virtus 100 Stoic Challenge!